Kho Gaye Hum Kahan...
ft. Goodbye 2023
the last one before the last day in our humanness of limiting, boxing, bounding time that only runs.
wanted to keep the Friday flaky, but life’s apparently not a wish granting factory.
and so,
here we go!
the title of this one is about 2 movies i watched this week.
Goodbye.
Kho Gaye Hum Kahan.
it’s going to be about those acts that endings deserve, but sometimes don’t get.
the letting gos and the leaning ins and the leaving offs.
and, about trees and life and gratitude.
and, of course, those every beginnings in the ever endings.
i don’t know where to start this, so i’ll go by the most recent.
saw Kho Gaye Hum Kahan yesterday night (it’d be your morning then, maybe afternoon).
i loved the execution. the characters portrayed. acting. colors, frames. Kalki. MUSIC. Imaad’s clothes.
it didn’t answer the dilemmas i’m facing with my social medias, to be specific - to be or not to be on IG. but, it did address some of the dynamics of the on-going virtual life. not relatable, but real all the same.
the dilemmas is this -
when my heart was finally no longer in a piece a few months back, i decided to get off IG so that i don’t have to come across a particular person and all the mutuals. i had this desire to just vanish off the digital life. fast forward, i had to start LinkedIn to find job.
this whole IG thing i’ve now taken as a challenge which started as an escape. i’m not that person who’d torture herself by searching the person, stalking, or checking out updates from mutuals. but, i do have the romanticism of - no one from those should come to know what i’m up to. and, it’s so funny, these things wouldn’t have been in cognition, if not for such platforms. i remember how my earlier break-ups have been. none involving socials. and, that’s when i realized, it goes deeper than that. it’s not that i don’t want to be seen. i love sharing stories. i did love connecting with strangers, which i no longer do right now (maybe temporary, maybe not, haven’t analyzed or judged), i do love taking pictures, building stories from it. writing it out. singing! i miss these things. and, IG really felt like a digital family.
but, in this, i gave myself a challenge. to meet people, know about things without engaging in social media. i have been pretty good so far. enjoying this new experience. where things are not easy. wherein i have to read a lot, find out many resources which would have been so easily accessible through a single IG story earlier. but, that’s about it, isn’t it? finding newer ways, means?
although, in this, my form of expression has changed, rather stopped. except for this weekly journaling i do here.
this whole dilemma reminds me of Feynman and how he felt a burnout when teaching and researching and what he thought about it, later figuring out that whatever he did, he did because he got pleasure out of it, physics was fun, love, LIFE for him, not for some award or recognition.
that’s how i’d started using IG. just for nothing and everything.
it' feels so bizarre that a platform puts us in such a position in our life these days.
a virtual platform. but, i found a lot of connection and life there earlier, which is missing now. but, maybe Feynman was right, after all?
i don’t know. but, Kho Gaye Hum Kahan makes me pray for all those who are going through that and much more due to Social Media and Social Life there.
Goodbye.
Goodbye 2023.
this year went in a blink. and, yet was painfully slow in certain moments when i wanted to cry, but all those tears failed.
like that time watching this movie.
and, then they let go finally, when the dor of the patang let go itself.
up, high, in the sky.
and, my eyes, with all its cries.
so, in a day now, we all will take a right turn from 2023.
or, is it the other way round?
well, don’t they say time is cyclic? and, Karma coming into the realm of reality?
trees.
i’ve have connected with nature like it is a person. i don’t know how that happens, but it just does. and, i’m grateful. no matter whatever happens, i’ll always find solace in the songs of nature.
so, when i came here, it was fall. my fall too.
and, as winter draws in, my heart is as cold as that leafless tree just outside the front door.
but, as spring will sip in, so will the summer in my heart, melting all the snowy chills and growing something as fragile as a flake, yet as powerful as that little leaf.
i saw how things changed in nature in a matter of days, yellow, reds in a go and nothing the next.
and, a few weeks into it, moss all around, like the mess within.
making me believe, we’re all never really alone.
even in the darkest of days or the coldest of winters.
there’s always be moss or dew drops or snow caps.
to all those who are facing a similar fate, adulting, losing the child within or the life outside - go out. just go out. feel the trees, see the flowing water. let yourself like nature does. and, see your soul return.
why am i so poetic right now?
do you feel that i am using a lot of rhyming words?
well, this one is for you - nature - I LOVE YOU <3
talking about beginnings, i read my first comic (at least super hero one) and first manga. i loved both. manga specifically. the overall experience to start with. but, the story, the theme, the details in the print.
talking about gratitude, i can never get enough of listening to ‘Mitu Mitu’ from my nephew. maybe he’s my reason to wake up each day right now.
talking about hurt and hope and choosing hope over hurt and hurting myself, i want to play these words out loud - I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go - from Life of Pi.
and, about how dreams/desires see the light of the day - i did Vipassana 6 years after the thought first came.
and, the same with becoming a Therapist.
maybe, in 2029, i’ll be on my little farm in Gir. cosying up in a corner with a comforter. a book. a record player symphony-ing to Ryuichi Sakamoto, sipping some fine wine and maybe a cuban cigar. salt and paper hairs coming in waves. black glasses. classic me clad in black. gracing everything. everything gracing me. lost in the love of life.
dreams do come true.
desires do get fulfilled.
all we need is a little time, a little faith and hope, a lot of confidence in ourselves and a lot of love for life.
2023,
you’ve been quite a year.
from my first surgery, getting rid of a 10-year-old pain. to letting go of the pain that was stored away in a sanduk. to crossing continents. and, making films. earning more than the rest of the years and losing more life than ever. to saying goodbyes on each railway station, to recoiling within and numbing myself. to leaving it all in the hands of time, i make way for welcoming 31st year of my life as i will turn that in 8 days from now. i’ve lived well. a good full life. slow kisses and gutty laughters on roads. no shame and lot of courage. i have lived well and there’s more of it to come. and, i finally feel i am ageing, like that fine wine i mentioned.
oh, did i say, that was given to me as a gift from my partner in Italy?
(some fantasies maybe coming true too, aye?)
ours will live on.
wherever you are, whoever you are, if you are reading this, or NOT, i hope the next year brings you an easy sea or the strength to wear the waves down as your surf over them.
i hope and pray that you have a good one <3
Love and Hugs,
Mitali :)